~Thankful~

Why is it so easy for me to cry?

It seems these days if you just look at me I start to cry, and the worst part- I can’t stop. I must have an endless supply of tears. It would be nice if they would dry up so that I don’t have to look like such a weak parent all the time. I want to be a bold and firm mom when it comes to handling Paityn and her tantrums and bad behaviors. I want to teach her the right way to act and that we don’t throw chairs when we are upset, and we don’t throw toys or food or any other objects when we don’t get our way. We don’t hit or kick or scream. I want her to know and understand that. I want people to think that that is the kind of parent I am and that I know how to handle Paityn.  But I don’t, she knows how to push my buttons, she’s got me wrapped around her little finger and she knows it.

And then we have Ryan (my husband and Paityn's dad) in the middle of all this. I am so lucky to have him. He has stuck by me through many hard times. He knows and truly understands how hard Paityn can be. 

Today I was having a rough day at Paityn’s school. Ryan called me right as the teacher took my screaming child from me and told me to go for a walk, right when I was ready to break down, right when I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I walked straight out of that room picked up my phone and cried. 

Again. 

He listened to me as I cried my frustrations out and then he comforted me and gave me encouragement. That is just what I needed at that moment and I am so grateful that he was there for me. I am thankful that I have him walking alongside me through this hard journey, sharing in the joys and challenges of raising our beautiful daughter. And son- I will get to him eventually, but for now I will just say what an awesome brother he is to Paityn. He is so good with her and I know that she loves him.

Paityn turned five and something exciting she did at school!

I can't believe that Paityn is five. That means she goes to kindergarten this fall! I don't even want to think about her leaving the teachers that she has right now. They are amazing!

She loved opening presents this year, but she didn't really care for what was inside. I think she just liked that she got to rip paper and not get in trouble :) And this is the best picture I could get!

Onto other exciting news...

Paityn was wearing a shirt with Shamu on it at school the other day. They have been learning a couple signs and one of them is for "fish". Well Paityn walked up to her teacher, got her attention, pointed at the fish on her shirt and then did the sign for"fish". Can I say amazing?!! When her teacher Amanda told me about it I was so happy I wanted to cry! Unfortunately, they had to change her out of her clothes by the time I got to her school, (for reasons you probably don't want to know) that I didn't get to see her do it. I just hope she will do it again!

Slowly making progress

I learned long ago not to compare Paityn’s growth and development to that of her brother Cohen. He did everything early, he was walking on his own at 9 ½ months. Paityn was just barely learning to sit on her own when she was 9 ½ months. At the time I just thought she was behind and would eventually catch up, I had no idea what kind of a ride we were in for with her.

Fast forward four years and it is still hard to see how far behind she currently is. Tonight we were outside playing with some kids in the neighborhood and a cute little girl, who I am guessing was about 3 years old, was riding her little 3-wheel scooter. She kept letting Paityn have a turn and I would work with her and try to show her how to do it but she just didn’t have the coordination. It broke my heart for her because she wanted to ride it but just couldn’t figure it out.

Last week I met with Paityn’s teacher to go over her progress at school. Paityn is 60 months old and this is where she is on the charts:

Gross Motor-24 months

Fine Motor-15 months

Cognitive-11 months

Language-14 months

Self-Help-19 months

Personal/Social-16 months

It might seem discouraging to see that an almost 5 year old is this far behind, but the good news is she is making improvements in each area. So I am going to focus on her achievements. One being that she points to things! With her actual pointer finger!  She used to just hit what she wanted with her hand so it is great that she can do this. A new goal we are working on with Paityn is responding “hi” and “bye” and waving at appropriate times. Right now I hold her hand and prompt her to wave. Hopefully it will become something that she does on her own. Slowly but surely we will keep making improvements with our sweet Paityn. 

If your happy and you know it :)

Things I love about Paityn...

* her smile- it is so cute and contagious!
* her hugs- she wraps her arms tight arounds my neck. I love it!

 *her kisses- whenever we ask for a kiss she leans her forehead to us and lets us kiss it, sometimes we are lucky to get her lips :)









*her laugh- Ryan and Cohen can really get her going, it is adorable


*her squeals- (unless we are in a restaurant, in that case we get yelled at)
* the way she runs to me when she is excited to see me










* the way she stomps her feet to the song "If You're Happy and You Know It" It is the cutest thing, she gets her whole body into it. I wish I could get a picture of her doing it.
 *the way she curls up to me at night and scoots as close to me as she can.
* Her sweet spirit.

Weekends are rough...

I enjoy the 5 days that my kids are in school. It gives me time to regroup and clean. I love having a clean, organized house. I spend the 5 days keeping it clean, decluttering and deep cleaning. But the weekend comes and Paityn destroys everything I have done. We do our best to keep things out of her reach but it is not an easy thing to do 100% of the time. I can’t tell you how many books she has ripped apart, boxes of cereal she has dumped all over the table and floor, toilet paper she has thrown in the toilet, milk jugs she has opened and poured out completely, dresser drawer parts that she has ripped off (from my sturdy new dresser I might add), phones she has thrown in the toilet, pictures she has ripped in half and blinds she has broken.

 On top of that she loves to empty dresser drawers or any drawer for that matter, clear countertops, table tops and shelves with the quick swipe of her arm, tug on clothes that are hanging in coat closets and bedroom closets until they fall to the floor and break the hangers, squeeze lotion, shampoo, gel and toothpaste out of their containers and basically empty anything and everything she comes in contact with.

 This weekend was no exception, and I dealt with many of these things as usual, but after having a book thrown at me cutting my lip, a toy car chucked at my chest and being slapped in the face harder than what I am used to, I guess that I had had enough. I could not hold the tears anymore. It was Sunday, we were at Ryan’s brothers home. I had Ryan help me put Paityn in the car and I drove away and let the tears fall. I prayed to Heavenly Father asking, “Why does she have to be like this, why can’t she just be normal, I can’t deal with this anymore, I don’t know how to do it.” And right then this beautiful song came on the radio. 

“The Test”

Tell me friend, why are you blind?
Why doesn't he who worked the miracles 
send light into your eyes
Tell me friend if you understand.
Why doesn't he with power to raise the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why.
Then you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say that we could live with him
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial we would be blessed
But this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing does the crippling thorn remain?
Help me see if you understand.
Why doesn't he who heal the lame man 
come with healing in his wings?
It would be so easy for him. 
I watch you and in sorrow question why
Then you my friend in perfect faith reply

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say that we could live with him 
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial
We would be blessed.
But this life is the test.

By: Janice Kapp Perry

And the tears fell harder…